


Love Is Not A Sacrifice

by cynatnite



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), avengers endgame - Fandom
Genre: Avengers Endgame Spoilers, Closure, Grieving, Memories, Mourning, Necklace with an arrow, Not A Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 15:54:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18626434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynatnite/pseuds/cynatnite
Summary: Clint grieves.





	Love Is Not A Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: There are big Avengers Endgame spoilers in this. 
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> Avengers Endgame likely didn't make that many fanfic writers happy which is understandable. After the first Avengers movie when they killed off Phil Coulson, there were a lot of fix-its. This time won't be much different. There will plenty to make right what many will view as huge mistakes by Marvel writers. That's okay. I think people should stick with what works for them. 
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> I feel pretty differently after watching Endgame. It was an emotional roller coaster and I'm still feeling it two days later. I think about Natasha and Tony, and I'm reaching for the tissues. I hadn't realized how emotionally invested I became until the end of the film. I was not a fan of Tony Stark, but I cried over his loss nonetheless. 
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> Anyway, I thought about Clint losing Natasha and how awful it would be for him. She was his best friend and vice versa. Finding closure and peace would take time and this story wouldn't be the end of it for him. 
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> Thing is, I'm a huge Phil Coulson fan and Agents of SHIELD saw fit to end the iteration I knew and loved. I've agonized over that and then there's Endgame. I needed a sense of closure with these characters and this fic was the best way. I needed it out of my system. 
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> The last year has been filled with a lot of changes personally. My mother passed away and we're in the process of downsizing from a large house to an apartment. All my kids have moved out and we are officially empty-nesters. It's an emotional time. 
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> Combining that with the events of these characters we love, I've decided that, at least for the time being, I'm going to give myself a writing break. I've got a busy few months ahead with getting rid of stuff and moving, that I think it'll give me time to find a new footing in my life before I get back to the business of fanfiction.
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> I'll be around to read, kudos and all that.

Natasha had saved him. She had saved his body, his heart and his soul. Natasha saved every single part of himself. There was nothing that Natasha Romanov hadn’t rescued.

The blood had been all over his own ledger in the five years since his family disappeared. He wasn’t the young assassin that Phil Coulson had found a thousand lifetimes ago. Clint had become more cold-blooded, lethal in every way. There was no mercy for those who had no right to live. But then, looking back, he probably had put in the ground a few who were just trying to survive a world only half-alive.

Clint learned one true thing from Natasha sacrificing herself for him. You didn’t have to always do good to clean a bloody ledger. For him, it was love. Whether it was Natasha’s love for him, Laura’s, the kids’ or even Phil Coulson’s. The best kinds of love are those that you can start over without drowning in the past sins of your life. He’d thank Natasha for that lesson for the rest of his life.

But today, nearly a month after getting the world back, a small chest had been brought to him by Bruce. Clint was starting to tell Bruce to take it away, but he was reminded again. He was family to her so Clint accepted it with a nod.

The pain was still too raw, like an open wound that just didn’t want to heal.

Instead, Clint grabbed his bow and as many arrows as he could carry. He headed for the field because he needed to lose himself for a while. Laura understood and put her arms around Lila who still sometimes cried at night for her Auntie Nat.

It was okay to remember, Clint told himself. It was okay to cry, too. He’d done more in the last month that he’d ever been capable of in his entire life. After Manhattan, Clint had been too numb and too tired. It had taken months for him to get back on his feet with Laura’s help and Natasha bringing a recovering Phil Coulson to the farm to prove to him that it wasn’t his fault and that life went on. They would all be okay.

He didn’t cry years later when he got a call from Phil in the middle of the night. Phil told him everything. The deal with the Ghost Rider had pissed him off, but this was Phil Coulson. Saving the world would always come first as would SHIELD.

They talked old missions and shared memories. There was a time when Clint’s marriage to Laura had been on the rocks with the too far away and too dangerous missions. He’d had to own up to the five times he and Phil had slept together. They’d known the rules at the time. Mission came first and it was business as usual. But not for Laura. That had hurt.

Clint realized how much he needed and loved his family. They’d been put in second place and Laura had never said a word. But the weight of his job and responsibilities were causing more and more problems at home.

It made sense for he to be there for his family and for Phil to take on a new team. They each had their own priorities and they would walk different paths.

Still, when Melinda called and told him about Phil, he hadn’t cried. He just nodded and they talked for over two hours about Phil and how everyone was handling the loss.

A few weeks later, Clint got the old arrowhead he’d found as a kid and had gifted to Phil in the mail from Melinda. He put it in the top of his dresser intending it for one of the kids later down the road.

How much time had passed as Clint fired off arrow after arrow, he didn’t know. He was sweating, his arms aching, and the sun was starting to set. He gathered up all the arrows, kicked at the wooden target and headed back to the house.

There was a plate of food sitting on the counter for him. Laura was already upstairs with the kids. Clint had no doubts it was to give him that time to look in Natasha’s chest. His heart broke at the thought of sorting through her most prized possessions.

Ignoring the plate of food, Clint went to the living room, sat on the recliner and pulled the chest closer. He opened it and smiled a little at it being unlocked. One of the most secretive and adept spies he’d ever known hadn’t bothered. Natasha’s trust had grown over the years.

When he first met her, she was untrusting, suspicious and refused to turn her back on anyone. The more she learned about him, Phil, Fury and others, the more her guard began to slowly come down. Then everyone’s entire world shifted when she would give an honest heartfelt smile or an unexpected laugh. She would turn on a dime if it was a stranger or someone she knew not to trust. But the gifts she gave to him and his family in those grins and happy eyes were a treasure.

Inside, it was neatly packed with a variety of items. Some made sense and others didn’t such as the two romance novels sitting on top of her favorite sweater.  He rifled through some things and found the two knives she’d worn in her hair upon their first meeting. Clint had been the one to search her that day. He set those aside and would keep them for himself.

Then there was the bottle of expensive perfume she’d accepted from Tony. Clint almost cried again. Tony’s loss was still tough. He thought about Morgan growing up without her father. No little girl should go through that.

He’d kept his distance that day after the battle. Seeing the huddle with Pepper on her knees next to Tony’s body left no doubt as to what had happened.

Clint had hated the bastard off and on over the years, but he had no idea that losing Tony would affect him and the rest of the world so deeply. He hadn’t the first clue on what that would mean until after the fact.

The perfume would go to Laura. Her and Natasha had shared everything. They were opposite in so many ways, but as close as sisters could be.

As Clint sorted through the various items, he smiled at the memories some brought forth and questioned a few other unexpected finds. She had an autographed Beatles album signed by them all including the late John Lennon. There was a badly formed clay pot and Clint laughed a little at the notion of Natasha learning how to make pottery.

He nearly cried again when he found the butterfly Lila had drawn for Natasha during the Ultron nightmare. It was carefully signed with the date written in the corner. Natasha had framed it. He knew how it would make his daughter feel, but she would treasure it for the rest of her life.

Clint wasn’t surprised to find the three booklets when he opened a file. There was one for each kid to a NYC bank. Upon opening one, his eyes widened. There would be no question about how college would be paid for.

“Thanks, Nat,” Clint whispered.

By the time Clint got to the bottom of the chest, he was emotionally worn out. He felt the need to sleep. But one more thing caught his eye. It was a small cardboard box. It could have fit a pair of earrings. There was nothing special about it and Clint wasn’t going to bother, but something stopped him.

He reached inside and held it in the palm of his hand. Natasha had saved it, buried it at the bottom, to protect it. Clint hesitated for a moment, but carefully lifted the lid.

It was a small gold chain. He took it between his fingers and raised it out of the box. When it untangled and he saw the tiny gold arrow, his heart finally broke and Clint covered his eyes with the delicate necklace tangled in his fingers.

Natasha didn’t even know her date of birth and after she joined SHIELD, that day was her first day of life. He’d told her that and she had rolled her eyes at him. Every year, he made her celebrate it with him.

He didn’t stop crying until he felt a touch on his shoulder. Clint looked up at Laura.

She moved closer and he buried his head in her stomach. There’d been so much loss. Losing Phil and Tony, then Natasha on top of it all. He let the tears go while Laura held him.

Clint wiped the tears away and showed Laura the necklace.

She smiled a little.

“I remember when you gave it to her. You embarrassed her.”

“She always got that way when people gave her things. It took her a long time to see that she deserved gifts.”

“Clint, she will always be with us and the children. A part of her will be alive as long as we remember her love for us and especially you.”

“You might have to keep reminding me of that.” Clint wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. “I don’t want to be what I became after…I lost you and the kids.”

“For a little while, you forgot our family’s love in the midst of darkness. Love is hope, Clint. Natasha gave that for all of us and we will never forget it.”

Clint got to his feet and pulled Laura close.

“I love you.”

“Love you, too.” She pulled him towards the stairs. “Let’s get some sleep.”

Clint started to follow her and stopped at the photo of Natasha hanging on the wall. He walked over and hung the necklace on the corner of the frame with the arrow resting close to her face.

 

END


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